Done

The day before yesterday my realtor came over to complete the paperwork, and the "For Sale" signs are in place.  My house is on the market, with an open house scheduled for Sunday at 1-4pm.

The photo above may look odd.  Indeed, my house does not face the street- it faces the park, so what people from the street see is the side of the house, as pictured above.

In spite of all this progress, my mind is still not totally right.  I persist in worrying about being able to afford the more expensive house, about moving away from the Child's friend who lives in this neighborhood, about transportation to school, about the post office in the new neighborhood - you name it; I'm worrying about it.

Yet I know that if my mind isn't right, the likelihood exists that I will unwittingly prevent the pieces from falling into place, by sending mixed messages to the universe.  I say I want to move, yet I list all the concerns about doing so.

A mind is a difficult thing to control.


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A snag

I have encountered the snag which is my mind. 


Yesterday I called my realtor to set up a time for him to come to my house to photograph it and do the paperwork for putting it on the market.  I was explaining how worried I was that this would be yet another failed attempt.  I was on the verge of tears.

He said he didn't know what to do, since it sounded as though I didn't want to proceed.  I tried to explain that I want to proceed, but I am afraid of more disappointment like the last few times I've tried to do this.  And now we're in a lousy housing market to boot!  I dread going through the trauma of trying to make the house perfect for showing after showing, with no results.  Last time my house was on the market, I pulled many all-nighters getting the house ready for showings.

The realtor said that he's not going to list my house unless I can adjust my attitude.  It sounds harsh the way I've worded it, but his wording sounded perfectly reasonable.

What to do?  What's blocking me from having a positive attitude about what I say I want to do?

OK, I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm concerned about what the neighbors will think when they take a gander at my latest "For Sale" sign in front of the house.

Before I go any further, let's analyze this.  These are the same neighbors who pay absolutely no attention to me when there's a disabling snowstorm or power outage, the same neighbors who said no each time I asked if they could pick up The Child from his school bus stop when I had to be at work and the temperature was 40 below zero.

Yes, it appears that whirlingbetty is ready to abandon her dreams all for the sake of the possible judgment of the above-described neighbors, the neighbors who treat their little white dogs far better than they treat their fellow man.

OK - on to the next hurdle.   I am afraid of making a mistake.  This may well be a legitimate concern.  It's hard to leave a location on a park which contains one of the largest rose gardens in the country.  The actual house, while definitely too small, has been inexpensive to maintain and heat.  The house I want will be far more expensive, so it is a financial risk.  And while located a few steps from a gorgeous urban park, it won't be possible to look out of the windows and see the park like I can now:

The back of the house I hope to buy overlooks a sizable backyard, which is now fairly barren and awaiting my landscaping:

While having a yard which is a blank canvas should be positive, part of me dreads having to go through the expense, hassle and exertion of installing a pond, trees, bushes, etc.  Staying in my current house is a hell of a lot easier!!

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Something timely just occurred.  One of the above-described neighbors just showed up at my door to let me know that there was a bicycle in front of my house which he was afraid someone would steal.   I asked him for an update on the crime in the neighborhood, which has been seriously increasing over the past 2 weeks.  Sure enough, there was another series of break-ins last Thursday.  I decided to test the waters and tell the neighbor that I'm going to put my house on the market.  He barely flinched.  And he certainly didn't try to talk me out of it!!

Somehow, that event changed things.  I received "permission" to go ahead.

I'll keep you posted.


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Monday's revelation

 
When you talk about what you want and why you want it, there's usually less resistance within you than when you talk about what you want and how you're going to get it. When you pose questions you don't have answers for, like how, where, when, who, it sets up a contradictory vibration that slows everything down. 
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That's my spiritual lesson for the day.  It makes sense.  Talking about what I want and why I want it is easy:  I want a fairly big Victorian house near downtown so I can walk or bike everywhere and get by without a car most of the time.  I am drawn to that part of town because it's vibrant and full of life.  There are people milling about, walking to the nearby groceries, stores and restaurants, at all hours.  I like the energy.  I'd also enjoy having my own backyard where I can create a garden with a pond.  And the luxury of a fenced-in yard is great for any dog owner.

After thinking about today's lesson, I see that it may not be productive to focus on the questions about how it's going to happen.  THAT is going to be difficult, since I'm the one who has to take the steps to make it possible.  I'm the one who has to get my house ready to sell, and then put it on the market.  Rendering a house ready for showing is no small matter! 

I think I've had a lifelong tendency to set up conflict within myself.  As I obsess over the how and when and where of everything I set out to do, I create stress and turmoil.  The original desire becomes lost (or at least secondary to) the stressful situation I end up in.

Since today's lesson is about metal focus, I guess I can see that there's a difference between just doing what you have to do (minus the mental anguish) and obsessing over decisions and details.  So my instructions to myself, based upon the above spiritual lesson are, "Just shut up, focus on the desire and why you desire it, and do what's in front of you!"  (And stop worrying about whether or not somebody will buy your house, or whether you'll qualify for the mortgage, or when the move would take place and how it won't fit your schedule!)


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Your opinion?

If you were in my shoes, what would you do? 

My longtime obsession has been to live in a Victorian house near downtown.  Living there would enable me to live the way I lived before I moved to this city - without a car - walking or biking everywhere, including to work.  In the city I live in, cars rule, and there are precious few real pedestrian neighborhoods.  But Victorian Village near downtown is a rare exception.

What's stopping me?  The houses prices. 

Those of you who have read my blog over the years know that I have nearly succeeded on several occasions to sell my current house and buy one in Victorian Village.  Each attempt ended in extreme disappointment.  I even tried to buy a foreclosed house at the sheriff's auction.

I am unusual.  I don't like to shop, travel or spend money in general.  The only foolish financial choices I've made recently have been regarding purchases for The Child.  He likes electronics, and I've indulged his interest.  I've spent more money on The Child than the average family spends on one child, for sure.

The only thing I want to spend money on for myself is a house.

There is a house for sale in Victorian village right now which I am interested in, and I am considering putting my house on the market to try to make it happen.  I'd have to have a sales contract in place before I can make an offer on the Victorian.  But it won't be an even trade- the Victorian is considerably more expensive than my house.  The mortgage broker says he's very confident that I'd qualify for the mortgage I'd need, but that's because I have an outstanding credit score, NOT because the mortgage would be reasonable on my salary!

Yesterday my realtor took me to see the interior of the house.  Until then, my desire for the house was based purely upon its prime location rather than any actual knowledge of the house or its interior.  My impression of the first floor was positive.

It included original stained glass windows:

I also liked the backyard.  I could just imagine it with the trees I'd plant, and the pond I'd install.  It seems like such a luxury to have a house with a backyard so close to downtown.  Most urban housing is in the form of condos, often situated in high rise buildings.

I was less thrilled with the upstairs, and I was reminded of the fact that I actually don't like antiques!

It seems odd that I'd be drawn to antique houses....what I like about them is the high ceilings, the wood floors, the huge windows (often floor to ceiling) and the often ornate woodwork and features like stained glass windows.  The quality of materials and craftsmanship is so superior to that of newly-built houses.

I did like one of the upstairs bedrooms, the one which was currently set up as an office:

This house also has a finished attic, made into 2 bedrooms.  The Child has taken a strong interest in this attic, although he hasn't seen it yet.  Today there is an open house, and I'm taking The Child so he can see if he approves of this house before I go any further.  I already know that children generally don't like old things, including houses, so I am expecting The Child to reject my latest dream.  I will continue this post after the open house.

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The open house did not go well.  The Child detested the house.  He claims to despise wood floors, and he seemed freaked out by the height of the house, especially when looking out of the 3rd story windows down onto the backyard below. It looked like an aerial view from an airplane flying overhead!  (I was scared by that also.  We currently live in a one-story ranch-style house.) 

I was somewhat surprised that the Child could find nothing positive about the house.  (I had hoped that he'd admit that the first floor, with its abundance of light and its stained glass, was somewhat appealing, and I was fairly sure he'd stake out the 3rd floor as his territory.)

I was beginning my dreaded descent into depression, knowing that I didn't want to try to push this house onto The Child, when he commented, "I'd be able to have a 'Slip 'n' Slide' in that backyard." 

Huh??!

Our current house lacks a backyard.  Since it's situated on a park, it was pretty much OK to not have our own yard, or so I had thought......

Afraid to press my luck, I gingerly asked if there was anything else, anything at all, which he found to be remotely acceptable about that house. 

It turns out that he had wisely assessed that its kitchen was better than ours.  And he mentioned the yard again.  Who knew that a yard meant that much to him?   Mind you, this is a yard which has been completely neglected by its previous owners, to the point where it's nothing but a barren plot of grass, and you can see above.

Still, The Child would undoubtedly prefer not to move there, and I'd prefer not to force the issue.

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Later in the day a minor incident (which was really just a trigger) propelled me full steam ahead into that funk which I had narrowly escaped earlier.  I was driving at the time, and began sobbing uncontrollably.  This sorrow emerged from unknown depths.  It had to do with life, death, and the joys and sorrows in between.  It had to do with my mother who died so long ago, and whose death altered my life.  It had to do with the still unprocessed death of my sister.  It had to do with all of those long-lost boyfriends and the missing of them, and the lonely difficulties of being a single parent.  It had to do with the dreams of a lifetime, and the possibility of letting them go.

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