Friday, September 16, 2011

dream adjustment

Over this past summer I have contemplated giving up on my dream of moving to a Victorian house in the downtown pedestrian neighborhood which I am crazy about.  I don't want to give it up, but my attempt to sell my current house so that I can buy in the desired neighborhood has not worked out.

I think each individual has to do what it takes to thrive according to his or her unique preferences.  Some of us consider marriage, children, living in a certain part of the world, or maybe a certain job or salary level to be preferences necessary for thriving.  I did have a goal of finding a job in a field where jobs are scarce, and fortunately that worked out.  Ever since then I have focused on the elusive goal of finding a house in a pedestrian neighborhood.

I already know what it's like to live in the neighborhood downtown because I have lived there in the past.  I did thrive, since it seems to be in my blood to live in a pedestrian neighborhood.  I grew up in that type of neighborhood and never even owned a car until I moved to the city I now live in.  Every once in a while someone will ask me why I'm so hell bent on moving to that neighborhood.  This is not a casual whim; I have spent an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out what "home" means to me, and the neighborhood near downtown is it.  And I really can't think of anything else that I have wanted during recent years.

Maybe most of today's adults did not grow up in a pedestrian neighborhood.  I'm glad I did, because it gave me a lifelong standard .  I never forgot it.

However, I am now frustrated by it.  I don't really have a lot of others dreams or desires.  I've always been pretty low maintenance, I think, except for my fussiness about houses.  I have never been one to spend a lot of money on things like travel, clothing, furniture, jewelry or cars.  The only thing I have really wanted is a Victorian house in the pedestrian neighborhood near downtown.

I do have options, of course.  I can lower the price.  I can renovate my house.  I can just keep waiting (my house has been on the market since March) for that elusive "right buyer" to come along with a purse full of money.  Or I can give up.

The Child and I have lived in this house for ten years.  I bought it because I thought its location on a park made it the ideal place to raise a child.  Well, looking back, I'd say that my particular child didn't give a hoot about growing up on a park.  He turned out to be a computer nerd who spends all of his time indoors. 

From the beginning it was clear that this house did not suit me at all.  A friend came to visit from out of state after we had been living here a few months, and I vividly recall his observation that I was "failing to thrive" in this house.  It's very small and poorly laid out.  I never found the right spaces in this house to do what I need to do for work.  Even the outdoor space was a disappointment, since there is no backyard for me to create the kind of outdoor space, complete with a fish pond. which I want.  Its late 50s/early 60s architecture is very unappealing to me.  I dislike the low ceilings and wall-to-wall carpeting.  It's ranch-style, which means it's one story.  The kitchen is so small that two people can't be in it at the same time.  Because the lot is small, the house can not be enlarged.

So for the past ten years I've wanted to move.  I tried to sell it five years ago, and it was actually in contract.  The buyer ended up freaking out and backing out of the contract.  No other buyers made an offer, so I gave up after eight months and my realtor took it off the market.  During the interim, I have made the best of it.

But that's not thriving.

Yes, I know that I'm being a spoiled brat, and that our true home has nothing to do with a physical structure.

But I still want a Victorian house near downtown.

Just kidding- I don't expect to end up in one this big!!!