Sunday, December 25, 2016

Christmas 2016

Whirling Betty blog has been inactive for a while, just like my self-awareness and self-examination.  I believe in staying in the present, since the past is gone and the future is unknown.  So here is my present:

I began the day with an Al Anon meeting today, Christmas, at 9am downtown.  Then another Al Anon member, Ginny, and her husband took me with them to deliver Meals on Wheels in a bad neighborhood located near the area where my son began taking hard drugs.  Then we ate at Waffle House with a guy who works for them.  (They rehab rentals in the same neighborhood where we were and rent out the units.) 

My son was in my house asleep.  He still is asleep now at 3:43pm.  At least when he's asleep he's not demanding drug money from me.  So my life is best when either he's asleep or I'm away from the house. 

I don't think I've been examining myself and my life enough lately.  I attend Al Anon meetings sporadically, but I basically ignore the teachings of the program.  For reasons inexplicable, I have been failing to attempt to improve my conscious contact with God.  The only way in which I do attempt to contact God is when I think to myself, "God, thank you for the house I live in" or "God, thank you for giving me a job to go to today".  Besides staying in the now, I also believe in the power of gratitude.

Today I discovered that my son sold the $1,000 laptop I bought him just over a year ago.   That was a lot of money for me to spend, but it's the one he wanted, and my goal was to give him the best possible shot at graduating from high school, so I bought it.  He sold it for drugs and now has no computer.  

The best thing I can say about this day is that my son has so far slept through it, and therefore has not yet demanded money from me.  Over the past year he has demanded and received $20,000 from me.  And now I live in debt.

Superficially, I am aware that I am absolutely WRONG to give him money.  The stories he concocts are lies.  And the times that he shrieks about the drug dealer waiting outside my house for my money, I should be calling the police instead of handing over the money.  But it's as though I have lost control of myself. 

Superficially, I know he should not be allowed to live in my house, and superficially, I want him to move out.  But he has nowhere to go.  I suppose that's not my problem.  But have you ever been in my shoes?

I don't know what to do.  I wish I had help.

Merry Christmas.

Gratitude list:
Today's Al Anon meeting
Time spent with Ginny and her husband
My house
The location of my house
My job
My car
My son is alive
I am alive, with no apparent physical problems
I have the day off from work
My laptop
Cable TV
My dog
Today's mild temperature
There is nothing wrong with my house currently
Living in a great location for taking the bus
Pleasant meal at Waffle House today
My sobriety

Thursday, June 30, 2016

This is what I want to learn

 One of my facebook friends shared this post by Zen master and activist Thich Nhat Hanh today.  Because these words struck me as being profoundly important, I'm coming out of my hiatus from this blog in order to post it.  Maybe I'll even keep posting.  I have a lot to post about, if I can talk myself into doing it.  We'll see.

Thich Nhat Hanh

We have lost our capacity to say things calmly. We get irritated too easily. Every time we open our mouths (or write), our speech becomes sour or bitter. We know it’s true. We have lost our capacity for speaking with kindness. We can train ourselves in the art of deep, compassionate listening and loving speech. The Fourth Mindfulness Training can be our guide.

“Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I am committed to cultivating loving speech and compassionate listening in order to relieve suffering and to promote reconciliation and peace in myself and among other people, ethnic and religious groups, and nations. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I am committed to speaking truthfully using words that inspire confidence, joy, and hope. When anger is manifesting in me, I am determined not to speak. I will practice mindful breathing and walking in order to recognize and to look deeply into my anger. I know that the roots of anger can be found in my wrong perceptions and lack of understanding of the suffering in myself and in the other person. I will speak and listen in a way that can help myself and the other person to transform suffering and see the way out of difficult situations. I am determined not to spread news that I do not know to be certain and not to utter words that can cause division or discord. I will practice Right Diligence to nourish my capacity for understanding, love, joy, and inclusiveness, and gradually transform anger, violence, and fear that lie deep in my consciousness.”