Sunday, September 27, 2009

tough times

This is the view from my living room window.  A year ago, a senior citizen's rec center would have been visible in the upper left quadrant.  I had mixed feelings about the city closing and demolishing the building; I think it made me feel less lonely Monday through Friday during business hours if I happened to be home.  I had gotten to know the people who worked and attended classes there.  But the building was unsightly and its demise improved the scenery.

The big news in bettyworld is that The Child has what presents itself as H1N1; I couldn't get him in to see the doctor because everybody who sneezes now rushes in to be checked, making slots unavailable for those who really do have swine flu. His fever has been 102.6. He has all the flu symptoms- the medical pros say that it's too early in the season for seasonal flu- it's undoubtedly H1N1.

It sucks to be a single parent at a time like this. The stress level is through the roof- I have to decide on a minute to minute basis whether or not to call 911. And sometimes my thinking lacks clarity. What bothered me most, especially during the interminable day yesterday, is that nobody even knows when I'm going through a crisis. (Most of the time, I'm mercifully unaware of this phenomenon since I'm not in crisis.)

I've been around long enough to know that if the chips were really down- if I really needed help from another human being- there would surely be somebody there to help. I don't know this from experience; I know it from logic.

Part of this is timing. If this happened many years ago, I could have called my mother, and she would have taken the next flight to come here. I was always OK when she was alive.

And maybe, if this had happened during the 2 month window between my mother's death and my father's marriage to his mistress, he would have cared, although that's dicey. And maybe if this had happened before my sister's cancer diagnosis, she would have helped, if only via phone from Boston.

But during the years since The Child came into my life, it's been at times lonely. Usually I don't think about it- I don't have time to! The friends from my previous life slipped away, understandably.

Of course, everyone has nagging issues.  I used to be the type who would lay out my problems to anyone who would bid me the time of day.  Maybe that was healthy in a way, but I came to believe that there was a better way to deal with my problems.  So I pretty much stopped talking after The Child entered my life, and it wasn't just because I wanted to.  It was because the people were no longer around.  Now, on the rare occasions when I actually get to spend time with another adult, I don't dare talk about my problems!  I can't risk being branded as one who dumps problems.  Back in the olden days, pre-child, I could get away with it.

Now I cannot.


Lynilu said...

I get it. There are times that I just wish I had someone to talk to, to help me reason something out. It isn't all the time, but occasionally .... oh, yeah. Yesterday late afternoon was one of those times.

B.S. said...

Dear Lynilu,

It's unbelievably consoling to read that you also go through this! I'm sorry that you do, but you clearly have a great life even though you may not always have someone to talk to. I wonder if even those who seem to be surrounded by people are without a confidant....


Monogram Queen said...

I am so sorry you are going through this! It truly sucks.
I have never been one to miss work because Madison was sick but things have changed and now I only have me because Stacy makes more $ than I do but I have more flexible time of so..........
I hope the child doens't have H1N1, Madison didn't, just the regular flu but coupled with strep throat it kicked out ass this week.
She is much better today but went to sleep at 7pm. last night and is asleep now.
Sending out prayers and good vibes to you and the child.
Except for my husband, I don't have a confidant either and I am finding more and more that my family is not to be relied on either.

Monogram Queen said...

okay clearly I was agitated and my spelling shows it...

time of should be time off... and kicked out should be kicked our Grrrrr....

B.S. said...

Dear Patti,

I wonder why the doctors here are saying it's too early for seasonal flu! Apparently it's not too early where you live.....

Here's to lots of healing for The Child and Madison!


Priyamvada_K said...

Dear Betty,
Sorry to hear about kid being down with H1N1.'s not that bad. My kid had it earlier this month, and went on Tamiflu. Side effect was a bad case of nausea but fever came down in 2 days.

Trick is to take it within 48 hours of catching the flu. Don't be scared, you have more reserves of courage than you think.

Don't be scared of nausea/diarrhea either - Tamiflu works despite it.

Sorry if I am talking in "man mode" by giving solutions. I've had to become semi-man after the one man I could trust passed away.

Take good care of yourself too, as you nurse your son back to health. Will keep you in my prayers. You are not alone.


Monogram Queen said...

Just popping in to check on you and the Child...... hope he is well and you didn't get sick caring for him. Hugs..

Priyamvada_K said...

Dear Betty,
Hope your son is feeling better. Take care. You are not alone.

Here's a post by a writer I admire:

Your rainbow is living somewhere behind those clouds - don't forget that.


Big Dave T said...

As someone whose health demands he gets regular flu shots, I'm worried about H1N1. You have my sympathies. But since I've always had my parents and, it seems, my wife too I can't empathize with not having someone to talk to. When I lived my myself for a brief time, I do remember reasoning things out with myself. But some people think that's weird.

Anonymous said...

Sweetie...I wish we lived next
door to each other...I would be
there in half a heart beat to help
you out...It's hard when a child
is sick...

You know that I'm always here for
you to talk to...Alls ya gotta
do is e-mail me...

I wish you the best ALWAYS!!!



Anonymous said...

Dear Betty,
Hugs to you. We are stronger than we think. At the best of times, our strength lies in reserves, waiting to be commandeered into action.
I hear you on the dilemmas that come from lack of sounding boards. Everything we will ever need to know is deep inside us - the universe has coded the answers inside our souls. We just need to tap on that strength and look.
And yes, like my little one told me, once you start defying the grey clouds and say "I see you" to the rainbows, they usually present themselves for good.

Keep well. The child will be well soon enough.