Friday, May 23, 2008

today's thoughts

We all experience doldrums from time to time, I suppose. For me it's cyclical, and right now it's also situational, as my job seems to be grinding to a halt. We are being told that the organization is shutting down on June 1, making next week our last week of employment in a field where jobs throughout the country are rare. Each morning for the past few days I have gone into the park outside of my house looking for sights to appreciate. In my current state of mind, that is very tedious. I am numb.

I did manage to summon just a tad of my usual outrage upon spying the pesticide truck again today (I thought they finished yesterday). Just a tad, though.

When I first moved here, I called this phone number, posted at the entrance of the rose garden in the park, repeatedly. Each time I was told that nobody at that office had any idea what I was talking about. Finally I gave up.

This is my favorite photo from today's assortment. At least I'm still able to determine which is my favorite.

Every once in a while I remind myself that it is my goal to live consciously. I am aimless these days. I am trying to remember what my latest self-related goal was, as I plod along trying to heal my sense of self. Most of the time, to be honest, I am ignorant of that healing mission, as I continue to stuff myself full of junk food, as I indulge in fearful thoughts of my future, as I yell at The Child for wrecking my house, as I gripe with co-workers about our demise. The past two days I have even managed to talk myself out of jogging due to pesticide application in the park where I run.
Now I remember that most recent self-related goal. I'm supposed to be TAKING ACTION rather than sitting around thinking about what I should do. The premise is that I already have all the answers; I just have to now implement them.
Wish me luck.


Lynilu said...

Betty, I commend you for taking an active approach. I spent many years being an advocate in many ways. However, in my 60s I have suddenly found myself becoming and 'activist' in several ways. I'm painfully conscious of how we are damaging our planet, and I worry about how my grandchildren and great-grandchildren will fare. So I write emails and snail letters, I attend community meetings, I do research, I help raise funds for various causes. If I don't, who will? Of course, you will. But it takes thousands of 'you & I' to make it work.

One step at a time. :)

PS - I feel 'aimless' often, too. Don't let the above fool you, as there are days that I am just overwhelmed by 'it.' Do what you can to be a pesky gnat. Every tad helps. Will a hug help? Here is one, just for you!

Nancy said...

Aimless, unfortunately, has been a way of life for me.

I am good at thinking, no so much at doing. Sad, I know.

I feel for you, truly on the job situation. It's all too scary.


Try to have a good 3day weekend.

Mary Ann said...

I'm so sorry to hear your place of work is closing. I know it's the place you've worked since college so it must mean a lot to you. The good thing is that you have a perfect explanation for why you're looking for a job. I'm also thinking that something is on the horizon for you, perhaps a new job in an area with a large Victorian house!

The other thought I have is that everything is always changing. I mean, it's not just the good things that end. The bad things end too. This too shall pass. Sending you a hug.

Loving Annie said...

It sounds to me like you are depressed, Betty. You have several good reasons to be - the 'loss' of the new house was a blow, and now the job ending with nothing new/good in sight employment wise. I'd say you are entitled to a good cry.
My empathy.

Big Dave T said...

I get in that same funk sometimes, but it's usually in the winter. I figure it's S.A.D.--seasonal affective disorder. But it seems to last longer each year. At least you're focused on breaking out of that funk, and I think you will. Once you get to be my age, it's hard to retain that focus. I get distracted by the dog or by the birds at the feeder, which reminds me, the feeder is empty. I usually just buy those sunflower seeds cause my birds seem to like them the best. Even the robins like to hang out by my feeder, though they don't take any seed. I think the robins like the sense of community and "party-atmosphere" that goes with a lot of different birds hanging out together.

I'm sorry, what was I talking about again?

Betty said...

Dear Lynilu,

Keep up the good work! It does take thousands of us.

And thanks for the hug.

Hugs back,

Betty said...

Dear Nancy,

Yeah, the action thing is daunting. Facing the end of my job, I have even less motivation.

You, 2, try to have a good 3 day weekend.


Betty said...

Dear Mary Ann,

You're right, it's not just the good things that end. I recently ha a court case end, in which I was being sued by my child's father for full custody and child support. The case was dropped by the magistrate. Of course, the father can start up a new case at any time, but I'm trying to enjoy being free of that horrific nightmare. Not only is the court case finished, but neither the child nor I have to see or deal with the father.



Betty said...

Dear Annie,

You are right. I appreciate your empathy!


Betty said...

Dear Big Dave,

A few years ago I figured out that I am depressed every June. It's undoubtedly job-related because things always wind down considerably in June, and apparently whirlingbetty never liked that. I know it's not quite June yet- I'm getting a good headstart this year. Just imagine the funk from the job ending altogether.

And by the way, I envy your robins. They seem to have something figured out.


Laurie said...

Oh Betty :( I hate that you are
numb. I so wish I was there to
help you out. I'm glad that you
have called that number numerous
times. It is funny when the people
seem to not know a darned thing
about why you have called. We get
that in this city too. I wish you
luck with taking action. And, know
that I am on your side.


Betty said...

Dear Laurie,

Yes, it would be great if you could be here! Just knowing that you're on my side does help, though.


Monogram Queen said...

I wish you all the luck in the world honey. This cannot be an easy place to be in at this time. The pesticide issues on top of everything else is just icing on the crap cake. Sending you good thoughts!

Betty said...

Dear Patti,

"The icing on the crap cake"- that's a great way to describe the pesticides! Yep, these are challenging times, but you've gone through surgery, which sure scares the heck out of me!


Mary Ann said...

Hey there! Just checking back to say that I'm thinking about you. Leaving you a hug.

Betty said...

Hey Mary Ann! Thanks for the hug!

Hugs to you too,

Anonymous said...