Wednesday, August 08, 2007

still bloggin'

I don't intend to give up blogging, although it may appear otherwise. I guess I'm in the process of sorting things out, and haven't felt much like writing. That's mostly due to confusion. I need a certain amount of clarity to write.
Here's what I think has been going on. It has been suggested to me that I have a problem with my sense of self. I lack a healthy sense of self worth, and I define myself by what others think (or apparently think!) of me. Blogging is useful for a person with such a problem, because nearly every comment I receive is positive and supportive. My self worth is (falsely) bolstered by the people who comment on my blog.
Of course, I know it would be preferable for me to possess an infallible and healthy sense of my self and my value. It would be preferable for me to know that I have value simply because I am breathing.
But I am caught up in the world of judgement. As a child I learned to be ultra concerned with other people's opinions of me. How I felt did not matter. How I appeared to others did matter. I grew up hearing constant judgements. I learned to judge and be judged.
My endless search for a new house, a new neighborhood, maybe even a new job to get me to a new city is all about attempting to escape the judgements. (In truth I would just be starting up a whole new set of judgements.) On a superficial level, moving would work, at first.
But the true problem would not be addressed by moving. That's why my extreme efforts to move over the past year have not worked out, perhaps. The powers that be would like to have me address the issue of self, and its indestructible worth which exists regardless of what others think.
My job is to cease judging. As a result, I will let go of my perceptions of other people's judgements towards me, which may not have even existed except in my mind.
It has been depressing to give up on my desire to move. It used to seem to me that was positive to have goals like that, rather than accepting stagnation. My "sorting out" hasn't gone too well in this category. I feel like a child whose candy has just been snatched away, even though I'm the one doing the snatching.
Yesterday I had a long session with a highly regarded Chinese chi master. At the end, he said I was totally in balance, with all chakras opened completely. Having been so down on myself lately, it was good to hear his assessment of my state of being. Maybe that's why I was finally able to write this.


Desiree said...
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Desiree said...

Oh Betty I so understand this!!! I can't tell you how long I pursued jobs that I wasn't qualified to do nor that suited me just so I could prove I was worth something. The funny thing is I couldn't do what I was good at or even come close until I learned to believe that I was worth something. It turned out it's never been about them. The power has been inside of me all along. Just like Dorothy and the magic slippers. And Betty that power is within you too! And you are only just starting to tap into it. Wonderful things will happen for you as long as you continue in that direction! Sending you big cyber hugs and more of that blogging positivity! Glad to see you posted again. I missed you!

Betty said...

Thank you, Desiree. I am flattered that you missed me. Sometimes my blogging friends are more significant in my life than the people I actually see. It's so nice to be understood.


Lisa said...


It's funny, I watch this pastor Joel Osteen on Sundays, and today he spoke of just this issue--our self-worth. The pastor at my church pretty much spoke of the same thing this morning, breaking down the parable about the prodigal son. I'm not sure what your religious or spiritual background is, but sometimes we can all use a good dose of God in our lives. Not in a preachy way...I don't mean to sound like that. But I was brought up Catholic, which to me is the most judgemental religion on earth. I was raised to think of God as some "thing" that sat in judgement of me and basically must've hated me because I wasn't "perfect". Since God "hated" me, I had a hard time liking myself. Since I had a hard time liking myself, I used to judge everyone around me to bring them right down to my level just to make me feel better about myself. Which, of course, never happened (as I'm sure you know).

Both the t.v. pastor and the real-life pastor spoke of God in the sense of a parent-type of Being...think of how you feel about your own child. Don't you want the best for him? Don't you want him to be successful in his life, to be happy? Why would God feel any differently about YOU? Your HIS child. He created you, which automatically gives you worth. Whether you believe it or not, God wants you to have all of the desires of your heart. It took me a long time to accept that, but once I did, my path changed dramatically. No fireworks suddenly going off or massive lottery wins--but just a feeling of knowledge deep in your soul, every day that you wake up, that you are heading in the right direction. It's an amazing feeling. And I don't know where I would have been in this last month without having God to lean on.

I don't know how late you stay up, but ABC Family will show a repeat of the Joel Osteen message at 12am (it says "Monday 12am" on his website listings, so I'm assuming that's really Sunday, 12 midnite). I think it was one of his better messages, and the good thing about him is that you can be of basically any religion and get something out of what he has to say. He's pretty humble and not dramatic or overly-animated and preachy (as I said, I grew up Catholic, so I'm used to a more "quiet" church experience)!

There is no one person who can be all things to you at all times. Your life is really between you and your higher Being, whatever name you call him. As Desiree said, the power has been inside of you all just have to find a meaningful way to tap into it.

I wish you luck with this journey, Betty!

simply me said...

Betty - Its so good to hear from you again. I looked several times to see if you'd written and now here you are. I like you have a hard time writing when I am feeling...lets say unbalanced. I always come back because it is my therapy.
BTW- Desiree makes such a great and valid point. Surrender and don't fight it....things will come, just sit back, love yourself (b/c ultimately that is the most powerful love we have)and open your heart.

so glad you are back.

Betty said...

Dear Lisa,

Yes, it is my spiritual life that is in need of attention right now. The God as parent idea makes a lot of sense. The automatic worth is what I struggle with, coming from a repressed (or not so!) Irish Catholic background. By the time I was born, my family was pretending not to be religious because my grandmother had been divorced, but the judgements prevailed. Anyway, i don't have to live that way anymore. Now I know better.

Thank you for your encouraging words.


Betty said...

Dear Maria,

Yes, it's terribly hard for me too to try to blog when I'm "unbalanced" yet that's when I need it most! Heaven knows I'm not yet balanced, but I'm certainly working on it. I don't know why that self-worth issue is so challenging.


Iris said...

Betty, I understand this need for affirmations from the outside world. I think that is why we blog. Up until recently I did not receive much in the way of "warm fuzzies" except from those who read my blogs. I understand, and know....there are many thousands of "us" out here who feel exactly the same way you do.

Betty said...

Thank you, Iris, for visiting, commenting and understanding. I can't imagine blogging without those important affirmations, now that you mention it.


simply me said...

HI Betty - Wishing you a good weekend ahead. Know that you are Worthy and there are people out here who enjoy and benefit from your words/presence.

Sideways Chica said...

It seems that we are all our most ardent critics...but that doesn't mean we are accurate in our judgments of our own self, or others for that matter. I can bet my feelings about you are pretty accurate, though. You are a warm, caring and giving person. You are considerate of others and don't "get" those who are not as tolerant or caring. You are a nourishing soul who has much to offer a friend so graced with your friendship and love.

You are balanced chica...and balanced you shall remain, regardless of your personal judgments of thine own self. Speaking of thine own self be true. Believe in you and all others will too. ;)

Ciao bella...I have missed you and all my blogging buddies. I posted a short piece yesterday. Have a great week.

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