Tuesday, January 03, 2006

rejection

Oh, we've all experienced it, usually from a lover, potential or actual, and sometimes from a desired employer. But since I have become a mother, I have experienced a whole new type of REJECTION.

Is it about the single parent stigma? Or am I simply a lousy mother who deserves to be shunned lest I adversely influence other people's children?

This issue has come to the forefront as I now attempt to plan my child's birthday party, scheduled for Sunday. Why do people blatantly refuse to RSVP? This is the type of party which requires a precise head count. It's at the hockey arena where the local hockey team holds games. I have to pay a set amount for each party-goer, and the number of party-goers (10 in my case) had to be determined in advance. So, in theory, if someone can't come, I could/should find a replacement.

What's really bothering me?, you might ask. Well, it's one particular mother who has been blowing me/us off bigtime. Her son, H, and mine became BEST friends in preschool. The two are a lot alike, and their friendship was enviable.

After preschool I did everything I could to maintain the friendship. I paid H's family top dollar to babysit during some of my work hours. H had younger brothers, and my kid isn't used to siblings. I tried to explain to H's mother that I had no way of teaching my kid to get along with little siblings because we don't have any. I politely gave her permission to do/say whatever she had to. Instead, she showed us the gate.

She's a stay-at-home mother who is homeschooling her kids. After she told us no more babysitting, I still drove to their house whenever I had time to pick up H for playdates.

Before long she put the kibosh on that. She kept putting us off, until finally on the date she had said H could come over, she emailed me saying her homeschooling schedule was just too filled- H couldn't come over to our house after all. That was last summer. I left her alone after that.

But my child doesn't know about all this. He only knows that H is a dear friend whom he hasn't seen in a long time. He wants H invited to his party.

I email H's mother, sheepishly, because i have been banished from their Family. i ask for permission to mail her Son an invitation, saying i will respectfully follow Her wishes if She wants to sever ties.

That was a week ago. She never responded, a dramatic passive-aggressive stab to the jugular.

Yes, i am making the mistake of giving Her power. Part of my problem is that in the past, when i thought She was my friend, i confided in her how hurt i was when other Families had rejected us. (Yes, it's happened before. It's a pattern.)

Why do People do this? What is it about me and my son which They deem inferior, unworthy? Is it the lack of a Man?

It's easy to say that the solution is for me to develop thicker skin and healthy self-esteem which prevails even during adversity. But that doesn't address the problem of a tragically lost friendship. Again. The rejection is not simply of the whirlingbetty and son diad- it is of beautiful, innocent childhood alliances.

21 comments:

Kelley Bell said...

Oh Betty,

I so feel for you. We two could spend an entire rainy Monday drinking tea and sharing stories of idiots and Fn snobby neighbors.

I dont know why this woman snubbed you, but I do know that a GOOD parent does not visit adult disagreements on inocent children.

You are the one doing the right thing here. You are the one holding the olive branch, and putting the needs of the children first.

The home schooling better than thou snob is acting with selfish childish spite, if you ask me.

garnet david said...

Betty- Kelly said it well. It's a tragic shame not only for you and your your son, but also for her son. This woman is selfish and petty.

Sideways Chica said...

Here's to Kelley Bell...she said it best. What a shame for the children though, that mother's pettiness is their loss. And ultimately hers. You see, I feel for her son the most, as she will do this to him time and again, until he is old enough to speak up. Then, she may grow old and gray all by herself. Her bed, her bad, and one day she'll lie in it all by herself.

On another, happier note...Happy Birthday to the child!!!

Ciao chica,

April said...

your not the first person nor the last. i have dealt with the stupidity(i refuse to call it rejection) as well. Your child will still miss H but will of course make other friends. H's loss is his mother's burden not yours.

Ananke said...

Ugh! I hate people like that with their constipated personalities. She sounds like she needs a good whack upside the head. Ignorant people are everywhere, it's just too bad you and your son have to deal with them. You did the right thing by making the offer, she just showing her stupidity and snobbery by ignoring you. She should at least have the nerve to answer your email. I feel for you, I've dealt with too many people like this in my life.

Betty said...

Kelley,
Thanks. I feel better after reading your consoling words.

Betty said...

Garnet,
Thank you, too. You and Kelley could put "Dear Abby" out of business.

Betty said...

Thank you, Teri, for reminding me to place my focus back on what's important, namely, the child's birthday!

Betty said...

April, It does help to know that I am not alone. Her arrogant behavior is kind of stupid, isn't it?

Betty said...

Ananke, They do seem to be everywhere, don't they? I wonder why people treat each other this way.....

Sideways Chica said...

Betty...yes, by all means, let the birthday take center stage. When someone hurts someone we love, we often hurt more than the victim. The child is actually more resiliant than we are...his memory isn't as long.

You are a great mother...

Teri
P.S. I left you a comment on my site that might make you smile. :)

Kelley Bell said...

My appologies as this is off topic...

Maslow's heirarchy of human needs claims that we all need acceptance from our community.
I am no exception.
Therefore, please accept my invitation to cast your votes for the 2006 Web Log Awards.
2006 Bloggies
Vote for yourself, for your friends, for the blogs you admire, but above all, dont forget to cast a vote for ME. (Ha Ha)

P.S. Im posting this shameless self promotion here, because this is one of the blogs that I nominated, therefore, it's not totally shameless, right? We are the blogger community, so we all need to promote each other.)

Support the Bloggy Awards...They help us all find each other and share our music...

The Daily Blog with Kelley Bell

Bleebo said...

Hilarious blog. Love it. Just surfed by.

Horace Finkle, Teenage Ghost
Need a really good laugh?
www.horacefinkle.blogspot.com

Betty said...

Kelley,
Thanks for nominating my blog, and you definitely have my support, too! I'm going to vote right now...

Betty said...

Horace,
Welcome and thank you!

Tired Tunia said...

I feel for you. I know I am much more hurt and upset when my daughter is rejected than if it were myself. Don't really know the homeschooling mom's situation, but just the fact that she IS homeschooling indicates to me that she doesn't want much to do with "regular" society. Hope the bday party goes well, don't let one obviously unhappy and unkind person ruin your son's day!

ME Strauss said...

Hey Betty,
You shouldn't feel badly. The woman rejected the whole damn school system before she rejected you and your son.

Who knows what or who else she thinks she is above or she might find beneath her. Those kind of people are too confusing to keep track of.

As we used to say in high school--fk 'em if they can't take a joke. Big Cheshire Cat Grin.

Betty said...

Tired Tunia,
Good points! I hope you get some rest....

Betty said...

Liz,
I like the concept that they are too confusing to keep track of. I think I'll stick with that. Thanks!

Shankari said...

Happy belated birthday to the little one!
I have to deal with these issues too- my son's b'day is coming up next week. Believe me Betty, its got nothing to do with your being a single mom or working, some peoplpe are just petty and nasty. Unfortunate that they can't even hide their nastiness with kids.
Anyway did H come for the party?

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