Betty Does the Mailman

That's a lie. Betty actually DOESN'T the mailman. You see, my dear neighbor, in a fit of compassion, tried to set me up with the mailman before he left for his winter in Florida.

Until this happened, I used to have a decent relationship with the mailman- as good a relationship as I've ever had with a mailman. He's the friendly sort- always speaks, smiles, and hands me the mail. Like me, he's very jumpy. He and I scared each other many times, accidentally. I'd be sitting on my front patio, reading the newspaper, and suddenly he'd appear out of nowhere, without warning. I'd jump a foot out of my chair, sometimes spilling coffee on myself. Or I'd have heard his truck pull up, and I'd be prepared, posed to look my best. That's when he'd become startled by my unexpected presence. "OH-H-H, you scared me!" he'd laugh.

Then the neighbor took it upon himself to play matchmaker. "You and Joe would make a GREAT couple," he insisted. I was horrified at the thought. The mailman reminds me of my father- short, fit, quick on his feet, Mr. Personality.

I do have one striking memory involving the mailman. It was one of the only times in my life when someone actually stood up for me. I live on a large public park, and many people let their dogs run around off leash. This has caused numerous problems, ranging from the dogs eating my birdseed to the dogs actually entering my house. One frigid Saturday morning I was involved in a shouting match with two dog owners. Their dog had been on my property numerous times, sometimes for hours at a time. Joe arrived on the scene and immediately took my side, even though the two dog owners were also on his mail route. He told them, with just as much rage in his voice as I'd been using, that their dog had prevented my mail from being delivered twice. (I hadn't even known that!) Joe and I won, and the dog owners slithered away with their tails between their legs.

The part of that story which I don't usually tell is that much later I realized that the dog who had been guilty was not their dog at all, but his look-alike. Those two people were actually very nice, meek, law-abiding citizens who wouldn't hurt a flea. To make matters even worse, their dog died shortly after the altercation and I now see them sometimes walking sadly through the park with only the ghost of their innocent dog.

The point is, the mailman defended me. That impresses the hell out of me. People usually steer clear of me when I go off.

Ever since the neighbor started talking about me hooking up with Joe, I've been avoiding Joe. I'm embarrassed. If I'm home when it's time for the mail to arrive, I hide in the basement.

That brings us to tonight, the night my neighbor set up for Joe to meet me. It was Joe's turn to hide, I guess. He never showed up.

Let's hope he brings my mail on Monday.