Friday, December 31, 2010

2010 assessment

It's a sunny and unseasonably warm day.  I thought it would be an inspiring kind of day, perfect for life assessment.  But first, I decided to jog outdoors.  The weather has been so frigidly cold and icy during recent weeks that I had been using my indoor treadmill.  I prefer jogging outdoors, or so I thought.  There were hoards of people in the park outside of my house.  Since it's winter, the bushes and trees are barren, and there is no way to avoid being seen.  I did not want to be looked at today, and I was angry, so much that I shortened my jog considerably.

The main topic which comes to my mind when thinking of the year 2010 is, of course, the death of my sister.  In fact, I can hardly think of anything else.  When 2010 began, I did not know her days were numbered.  She had cancer but it was thought to have been in remission.  I was fortunate to have been able to visit her in Boston several times in 2010.  I will never forget her gaunt figure standing at the door of her apartment, watching me being driven away from my final visit with her.  Standing there, watching people leave, was not something she did.  It was out of character.  I knew that she "knew", and now I "knew".   Would I have done or said anything differently had I known before I left?

Things were pretty dramatic at work as well.  In my field, there are many, many more qualified applicants than there are jobs, and the few jobs that exist are disappearing due to economic conditions and changing social priorities.  Things definitely went south at my workplace, and I was politically involved making the changes happen, even though it meant severe pay cuts.  Over the past few months we've all tried to adjust to the changes, and it has been challenging if not profoundly depressing.  I have to remind myself that I'm lucky to have ever been employed at all in this outrageously competitive field.

The Child is 13 and has been very busy distancing himself from me.  Over the past year I have mourned our past relationship, including the long ago phase when he begged me to marry him.  I have begun preparing myself for the time just around the corner when he will leave home.  (Last night, though, I was ready for that to happen.  He vomited all over the bathroom and I had to clean it up.)

I had an interesting dream last night.  I very rarely remember my dreams, and when I do they seem to be disturbing ones, like the one last month in which my car was broken into and dismantled.  But last night's dream was heavenly.  I was busy working 2 jobs, both of which are in my field (which is actually going to be true next week) but I was also actively seeking a new house.  My realtor played one of the leading roles in this dream; in fact, I was in his house for part of the dream.  There were several gorgeous houses in my coveted neighborhood which I was considering buying.  It was a very happy dream.

Maybe it was a 2011 premonition, hard though it is to believe.



Lynilu said...

I hope your real dreams come true for you this year, Betty. Why not? Wishing is free, easy and filled with loving thoughts!

Happy New Year!

moni said...

May all your happy dreams come true and may you have a wonderful 2011. Your son isn't likely to leave soon, lol but kids do have problems coping with the "teen" years. Life is so difficult for them at this age.

Big Dave T said...

Gee, I come over to wish you a happy new year, but then I read your blog. Well, I believe in dreams so maybe it's an omen, er, premonition that things are going to be better in 2011. For the whole country hopefully. Wouldn't worry about the kid too much. He's at that age.

Loving Annie said...

I will always be part of the audience, even if I'm not blogging myself anymore :)

Your dream WILL come true.

And I'm sorry (again) about your sister's death and the emotional ache it leaves.
Between that, and The Child now becoming a teenager with all that involves, and The Job, you are going through a lot of life stressors.