Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Irrelevance

Most likely, balance will always elude me.  This month, I'm lucky if I focus on 2 things each day (jogging and work) instead of one (work).  And that's seems to be as good as it gets.  Somehow, when my sister died last month, my life derailed as far as organization and domestic responsibility.  I suppose the unplanned trip to Boston to deliver her eulogy threw things off, and I never recovered.

Most of the time I keep busy, enough that I "forget" she's gone.  But it hit last week.  There was big news at work, and my reflex was to inform my sister, the only person in my family who had any interest whatsoever in my life.  When it hit me that she was no longer there for me to send press releases, news articles and videos to, I broke down.

I have lost relevance.

.

3 comments:

Annie said...

Dear Betty,
First, stunning picture at the end of your post.

Second, yes... that happens...

Pain and loss and memories can completely overwhlem your world to that extent.

It is normal grief you are experiencing. Much like a widow, you have lost part of your ongoing heart and life.

The emotions can only deal with so much, and being able to jog or work may be just that 'much' that day.

Be very gentle and patient with yourself through this partial paralysis of your days or nights.

When you have to restructure your whole life in how you thought it would be, it is an enormous undertaking, a slow re-piecing of how you will eventually see the world differently in the future and cope with it differently than you did before.

You had a bond with your sister that made your world intact and able to accept your social isloation with relative equanimity because of it.

Now the bond had been broken, not through your choice, and despite your will. It hurts. Deeply.

You ARE still relevant. Ask the Child.
Ask me.
Ask Lynilu.
And so forth.

((cyber-love/hugs/empathy))

Third: My facebook is from loving annieatgmaildotcom (I never use the other address.) and I would be happy to be friends with you there if you send me a request; (but I share more with blogging than I do with facebook:)

B.S. said...

Annie, I wrote an entire post in response to this comment.

And I knew you'd like the photo, which I took last fall. The leaves haven't even started turning yet where I live.

Hugs,
Betty

Lynilu said...

Oh, Annie. I know what you're saying here. It was like that with my parents' deaths in 2000. The strongest smack was later on. I think that happens to prevent total meltdown while you're still trying to accept the facts; it would be too much at once. I'm not my usual "wise" self, Betty. Here's why ....

I'm waiting now for my turn. My sister passed away Sunday, unexpectedly, peacefully. It still isn't quite real to me. I know, however, that we will both get through this. I'll lean your way and you lean mine, OK?