Saturday, March 17, 2007

Over the past couple of weeks I've been spending a lot of time with numbers- numbers relevant to my ability to afford to move to the pricier neighborhood as planned. As long as I was already working on my tax returns, I thought it made sense to go all the way and figure out exactly where I stand financially.

The result stopped me in my tracks. In fact, it stopped my heart from beating. The ugly truth uncovered this week is that I can't even afford the house I'm already living in!

How could this have happened? Well, I hate to be money-obsessed, so I pay little attention to it. Some people call that "denial". I make sure I have extra padding in my checking account, and I have all my bills paid by automatic withdrawal from that account. No problem ever presented itself. Why worry? I had a vague awareness that during some months, I had unusual expenses and had to rely on savings, but that's why I kept extra money in my checking account.

I had used every online calculator available to figure out how much house I could afford. I'm sure that, on some level, I knew that the resulting numbers would be somewhat askew in my case because those calculators don't take into consideration things like babysitting costs, video games, repairs for 16-year -old Hondas, or beginning orthodontics. I score well on the calculators because I have no debt. (A mortgage is not considered a debt for some mysterious reason!)

But I grabbed those numbers and ran with them, all the way to my realtor's office. And, as some of you know, I spent the past 7 months attempting to attain my dream of living in a Victorian house near downtown. My current house has been for sale all that time. It was actually in contract last August, but the buyers backed out after changing their minds. I did insist on selling first before buying- at least I had that much sense.

So the ugly truth revealed during my recent financial fact-finding mission is that I've been spending more money than I earn since my child was born. (I guess I should be thanking my lucky stars that I had savings before he came along!) I had ought that was happening sometimes, some months, but I never realized the extent of it until now.

The Law of Attraction states that we should NOT face reality unless reality is exactly what we want it to be! I'd love to flamboyantly embrace that declaration and use it as my motto, thereby justifying continuing to try to sell my house. But I can't. The new neighborhood is more expensive. I'm already overextended financially in this cheaper house. My choice has been taken away.

When I called my realtor to tell him this, his response was unexpectedly gracious, considering the amount of money he would have gained from my move. He mysteriously said something about having a feeling that something would work out, and said he'd just remove my house temporarily from the market. He was probably just trying to ease my pain, or maybe he was trying to hook up my dream to life support.

Since then, I've experienced many different reactions, from utter despair to gratitude, then back to despair again, then to imaginary bargaining with the universe. Then I'll go back to those online calculators and run the numbers again. And again. I can't bear to visit the desired neighborhood anymore.

14 comments:

Desiree said...

I think that perhaps you should let it go and see what ideas flow to you. If you cut off the idea entirely then the dream is over. Life offers so many opportunities but we often have tunnel vision and don't see those opportunities. So if you stop thinking about it and just concentrate on the desire I want the a Victorian House downtown and leave that out in the universe without any other thinking for awhile the answers will begin to flow in. However, at this point you've blocked them and there is no way they will flow.

Betty said...

Dear Desiree,

Although I've tried, I haven't been able to cut off the idea entirely. Yesterday I drove by the house I had been intending to buy, and was very upset to see workers repairing and painting the trim. What was going on with "my" house?! I will try your suggestion of concentrating on the desire.

Hugs,
Betty

Desiree said...

If you have a little time and the inclination go have a listen to this guy. http://evolvingtimes.com/law-of-attraction-carnival-homepage
You might find it helpful.

Desiree said...

http://evolvingtimes.com/law-of-
attraction-carnival-homepage

I'll try again just delete the space between the two lines. Or you can find the link on my page too if you have any trouble. It's on my side bar and its in a post from a couple of days ago.

Betty said...

Dear Desiree,

I have already listened to his March 26 radio show (thanks to your blog!) and checked out evolvingtimes.com. I wish I had been able to listen live, because I would have called in. (My questions were not answered by what I heard/read.) Thanks for your help!

Hugs,
Betty

Kacey said...

Betty,Honey--- It sounds like such a down time for you. Do remember that God has everything under control. Sometimes, we cannot see what He has in mind for us, but His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me (and you).

Betty said...

Thank you, Kacey, for the comforting words. It's a very confusing time, for sure, but it's not 100% down. We're having an early spring, so sometimes that helps. I became very upset yesterday when I drove past the house I wanted, and I saw workers fixing up the only flaw I had seen (rotten wood on the porch roof). Either somebody has bought it, or somebody is about to buy it, I'm guessing. I am not happy. That was the last house overlooking the downtown park which would have been even remotely affordable. I am having a problem with acceptance- a big problem.

hugs,
Betty

Franco said...

Hey,

I found your blog through surfing at Blog Explosion. Just a quick Hi :)

Cheers,

Franco

Betty said...

Hi Franco. Thanks for stopping by!

Hugs,
Betty

Lisa said...

Betty,

Just a quick note to let you know I haven't fallen off the face of the earth!

When I have faced great disappointment in the past, such as when my husband left me for someone else (it wasn't enough to be alone with two kids; I had to live with the knowledge that someone was better than me, also), the only thing that helped me was just letting go and letting God. Some things are just out of our control...and the more we try to control them, the more stressed and frustrated we get.

My suggestion to you would be to not drive by the house anymore (unless, of course, you have to go that way for work, shopping, etc.). The dream is not over forever; it's just been put on hold for a while for reasons only God knows right now. But that's okay. A famous pastor always says that God is working "behind the scenes", and even though we can't see what He's doing or understand it, He's got it all figured out already.

I believe that the seed of desire for that house was planted in you for a reason. But maybe your "soil" isn't ready for that seed yet, and you have to cultivate it and fertilize it so that the seed has the right environment to grow in. Maybe there are some rocks and debris that you have to get rid of first...then, in time, the soil will be ready for your seed to grow and you will reap your harvest!

Betty said...

Dear Lisa,

Your words are consoling- thank you. And I'm glad you haven't fallen off the earth!

I think you're right- I shouldn't drive by anymore. I'm having trouble letting go because that was the last house on the urban park that would have been affordable for me, but there's that lie again! It WASN'T affordable for me.

Thank you for checking in!

Hugs,
Betty

Loving Annie said...

Betty,
your last paragraph mirrored completely how I felt recently about not beig able to move to a small one-story in Carmel, CA.

One day, maybe, my dream will come true -- and yours too. One day...

Betty said...

Dear Annie,

I'm so sorry to hear that you too have gone through this. And in Carmel, no less....let's not give up our dreams.

Hugs,
Betty

Anonymous said...

滿..................................................