Tuesday, January 30, 2007

I had a dream

The holding pattern of my current life is, surely, the calm before the storm of child custody. One of these days I'll somehow be summoned to court, once my child's father saves up enough cash to pay his lawyer's retainer. (I say "somehow" because I don't know how it happens. Will the police show up at my door, or worse, at my workplace? I doubt that it will be as casual as a letter appearing in my mailbox.)

Those of you who have been following my blog (thank you, thank you) know that my house has been for sale since last summer in an attempt to follow my dream of moving back to the downtown neighborhood where things are more happening and active and pedestrian.

Those who know me in person don't think I should continue the pursuit of my dream at this time. And although I have been doing my best to set aside some time for meditation each day, I seem to lack my own clarity on the issue.

There's certainly one factor which saddens me, to the point where I don't usually allow myself to think about it. It's the financial factor. It's going to cost me a small fortune to hire a lawyer, and that unfortunate fact has rocked my dream boat. The downtown neighborhood, being very trendy, is more expensive. My ability to afford it is definitely questionable.

I know that a reasonable home buyer would take into account that emergencies must be planned for. And I have. The problem is, my savings could easily be depleted by a combination of attorney's fees, the child's future orthodontics, and the costly maintenance of older houses.

On the other hand, I have always said that I don't want to let money rule my life. There is some chance that I would be OK financially after moving. But moving would be risky, maybe even careless.

Right now, the thought of giving it up depresses me. Somehow, the dream was keeping me alive, not in the technical sense but in the inspired sense. When I think of giving it up, I realize how dismal my life is otherwise. I am very alone, with my main social contacts being the people I interact with briefly at work, and the child, of course, whose main interests are bicycles, video games and Mythbusters. I work, I clean the house, and I deal with the child, and barely manage at that. No wonder I took on this "moving" project. I suppose I hoped I'd be moving out of this life and into a new one.

12 comments:

garnet david said...

your confusion is understandable. No one wants to give up a dream, but in this case for you, perhaps it will only be delayed, not forgotton.

Sorry to be a wet blanked, but simly moving downtown will not suddenly boost your social circle. And, for that matter, you could make a point of eating down there a few times a week to begin to meet people in general, regardless of whether you move.

A lot of your frustration is caused by your perception that where you are is 'bad' and living downtown is 'good'. Whereas, someone could be happy in a prison cell if they were content with their activities and social interactions.

In other words, don't blame 'all' your discomfort on the location of your house. Yes, blame some, notice the frustration, plan to move eventually, and find things to occupy you now, and also make regular visits down there to starts meeting new "neighbors".

Betty said...

Dear Garnet,

I'm sure you're correct that moving will not boost my social circle, but I didn't intend for that to happen. It would be more accurate to say I'm looking for someplace to belong. I don't feel that I belong where I am, amongst conservative retirees whose well-groomed dogs are surrogate children. However, I would not say that my current neighborhood is "bad". It's just a neighborhood which happens to be located in a part of town which is devoid of pedestrian opportunities. I can live with it, no problem, and even appreciate its positive points. I just happen to prefer the urban atmosphere. And now is not a great time for me to give up something which I hold dear, even if that "something" is a slightly unrealistic goal. We'll see- I haven't decided.

Hugs,
Betty

Desiree said...

Betty, I'm sorry to hear you going through this. I have to say one thing though. Anything worth having takes a great deal of work to get. So although their may be hardships in obtaining it I don't think you need throw away your dream. You just have to get more creative about what to do about getting what you want!

Chris said...

WOW..just lurking, had to comment. I feel for you. Good Luck it sounds like you do have a good head on your shoulders. ;)

Sideways Chica said...

I suppose that Garnet David has the advantage here, as he knows you--the real in person you. You are a smart chica...he expects you to do the "smart" thing.

However, if you don't feed your heart and soul once in a while, what good are all those gray cells? Tough one. I can only say that I "lived" according to an ex wifes rules for so long, that even though I have no regrets, if I were to go back and do it again, I would do it differently. Maybe not as "intelligently," but definitely differently.

Ciao bella...good luck and remember, waiting for the other shoe to drop is no way to live your life. You may want to revisit my article "The Peacekeeper."

Betty said...

Dear Desiree,

Funny you should mention it- I am considering a creative solution- there's a 3-family house on the park in the trendy neighborhood. I could live in part of it and rent out part of it. It's affordable that way. We'll see.

Thanks for your encouragement!

Hugs,
Betty

Betty said...

Dear Chris,

Thanks for the compliment. That "good head" on my shoulders has probably limited my life in some ways, though.

Hugs,
Betty

Betty said...

Dear Teri,

Garnet doesn't have an advantage these days- we haven't really talked in a long time. He seems to think that by saying I want to move, I'm saying I am miserable where I am. In truth, I'm fine where I am, but would welcome a move in the direction of downtown. Garnet lives within walking distance of my current house, and he has admitted that if he could manage it, he also would prefer the neighborhood I'm obsessing over. Isn't that interesting?

I will revisit the article you suggested.

Hugs,
Betty

Lisa said...

Betty,

I really feel for you. I, too, have a dream of living somewhere else (I actually posted about it last week), but sometimes I wonder if I am using that dream as an "escape" for the things that are too hard for me to face living where I am. After all, the thought of a new home conjures up feelings of a fresh, new start...and no reminders anywhere of anything unpleasant. Unfortunately, our problems always follow us no matter where we move.

On the other side of the coin, if we don't take chances in life, and we just settle for the status quo because it's safe...well, that's really no way to live. If a house in town is what you really want, then you will find a way to make it work. You really have to think positive...you have to have faith.

I don't know what your religion is (and I hope I'm not offending), but I'm a big believer in God "planting seeds" in us for a reason. The seed to move was planted in you for some reason...now it's up to you to nurture it so it grows and flourishes. You'll reap what you sow...if you sow negative thoughts about moving, well, how can it be a positive outcome if you did move? You'd just be expecting it not to work. On the other hand, if you really believe in your heart that this will work--sowing positive thoughts--you will again reap what you sow, which is a positive outcome. Again, all you really need is faith. Irregardless of religion, I believe that like things attract--if you put negative out there, that's what's going to come back to you.

I hope that this week, you decide to put positive thoughts in your head (not easy in your situation, I know). Why don't you just tell yourself that you will make a successful move, and then go for it with all hopefulness and faith. You know what you have inside of you. And I bet you have what it takes to make this move and live your dream!

...I'm really, really sorry for being so long-winded!

Take good care,
Lisa

Betty said...

Dear Lisa,

Yes, I agree that the seed of desire to live downtown was planted for a reason. By now it's clear that it's not just a passing whim- I've been raving about downtown for years.

Just yesterday I had a brainstorm which makes it easier to think positively. I think I'll write a post about it, in fact, but it involves a slightly unconventional solution to the affordability issue.

Meanwhile, I'm going to go read your post about wanting to move!

Hugs,
Betty

Secret Simon said...

Hi Betty - Thanks for leaving a comment on my blog! Reading your post here, I wonder if you have heard of The Secret, a DVD which is causing quite a buzz at the moment? You can watch it online for free. I wanted to give the URL but it's too long to show up here. If you email me at the address on my blog, I can send it you.

The Secret is all about the Law of Attraction, how you can attract things into your life by the power of positive thought. I shall be writing more about this in my blog in the next few weeks, but to give you a potted preview:
I basically believe in this myself, but I do think there can be a problem if you want *really* want something because your anxiety about not getting it can get in the way. I would draw your attention to a couple of things which are mentioned on the DVD but - to my mind - not emphasized enough: 1) Start with small, less important things first to build up confidence and 2) Most important: Start taking the time to feel gratitude for the good things that you already have in your life. You may do this already, but start taking some time each day to really do it big-time. I think you will find that a) this feels really good just in itself and b) the universe responds by sending you more good things. Somehow doing it this way makes it more of a spiritual exercise than spending all your time imagining your way down a shopping list of material things that you want. And I suspect that it works better too. Anyhow, check out the DVD and see what you think!

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