A perspective

Here's a thought to ponder: Life is supposed to be fun. Imagine the possibility that before you were born, you said, "I'll go forth and choose. I'll look at the data, and I'll say, yes to this, and yes to this, and yes to this, and I'll paint a picture of the things that I want, and I'll vibrate about them, because that's what I'm giving my attention to. And the Universe will respond to my vibration. And then I'll stand in a new place where a whole new batch of yeses are available, and I'll say yes to this, and yes to this, and yes to this." You did not say, "I'll go forth and struggle into joy", because from your Nonphysical Perspective you know it is vibrationally not possible. You cannot struggle to joy. Struggle and joy are not on the same channel. You joy your way to joy. You laugh your way to success. It is through your joy that good things come.

spring is here

Can you detect the faint hint of green in the bushes on the left, and red in the bushes on the right? The subtleties of spring are becoming bolder by the minute. The closeup below shows promising buds and new growth.


Over the past couple of months I've allowed the house to fall into a state of alarming disarray. Something had to be done! I wouldn't go so far as to say I've been "spring cleaning", but at least I've been straightening up the house to the point where I can invite people inside again.


The crocus is the quintessential harbinger of spring. Crocuses abound around my house.


Below is a miniature daffodil, about 1/4 the size of a regular daffodil. (The regular ones bloom later, in April.) Each spring I am reminded of my dear friend Wini who died of breast cancer several years ago when the daffodils were in full bloom.


I have not been spending any money lately. Last summer was rough; my employer had shut down the business for several months, and during that time my car broke down 5 times and the plumbing in my house went bad. Repairs for those unfortunate events cost thousands of dollars. Financial recovery will take a long time.

However, I was perusing the ad from Target in Sunday's newspaper and I spied a fun, whirlingbetty-looking welcome mat for $9.99. Here it is:



Now that my schedule has lightened up a bit, I am heaving a huge sigh of relief and getting back to the things I've neglected, like blogging. I have resumed my fair weather practice of sitting outside on the patio in front of my house, feeding the animals and reading.


Happy Spring!

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day! This is what I gave The Child today in hopes that he will be my Valentine. Yesterday was ridiculously busy- I didn't have time to go shopping for candy, heaven knows, but I wanted to uphold a tradition of my late mother's. She always gave me a very special Valentine's Day treat- usually from a world class chocolatier in Manhattan. Even during my ridiculously self-absorbed teenage years I was aware of (and possibly even appreciative of, as much as a teen can be) the effort she went through to make me feel special on this day of romance.

On Valentine's Days it's my mother whom I remember, rather than any of the various boyfriends who have paraded through my life. I suspect that my mother knew a thing or two about finding ways to feel validated without a partner. Even though she was married, my father cheated on her throughout her marriage, which infuriated me since the age of 8. (My mother was beautiful, smart and caring- why on earth did he have to do that????) So my mother, perhaps unwittingly, taught me to find alternatives to the validation that often comes from a partner.

During my college years, I joined 2 female friends in a Lonely Heart's Club which only existed on February 14 of each year. We Lonely Hearts celebrated Valentine's Day by snarfing down hot fudge sundaes at a cute little ice cream parlor, where, appropriately, we were always the only customers. Somehow, I think this club was a nod to my mother, who, as I said, taught me alternatives.


Just now, as I was writing this post, the doorbell rang. Much to my shock, these flowers were delivered to me from my favorite florist, sent by my friend Garnet, who managed to find flowers in all of my favorite colors. With friends like this, who needs a boyfriend?

So tonight, all the people in town who are lucky enough to A) have a partner and B) have reservations will enjoy dinner at one of the city's many fine restaurants. I will most likely be indulging in Papa John's thin crust, cheese only, with The Child while watching a murder mystery on TV. On top of the TV will be my bouquet from Garnet.

And I'm not complaining.

our hero

For the first time in 50 years of commercial jet flight, the pilot of US Air Flight 1549 successfully executed one of the most technically challenging maneuvers, landing a jetliner on water without fatalities. The pilot, Captain Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger, is an inspirational modern day hero.

His opportunity to be a hero dropped into his lap unexpectedly- he certainly never sought the situation. But he spent his life unwittingly preparing for his heroic role by doing what common, everyday heroes do- by realizing what his life's purpose was, or as some would say, by following his calling. And he did that with complete abandon.

Sulley was no ordinary pilot- his wife referred to him as "the consummate pilot" whose life revolved around his career. He was a US Air Force Academy graduate who flew F4 fighter planes. He was a renowned airline safety expert- an international speaker- who had been used by NASA as a consultant.

His cool, calm and collected style has been honed by decades of flight experience and research on safety. His actions on January 15, 2009 were exemplary, from the moment he heard the geese hitting his plane until he was the last person to evacuate the wreckage after having checked twice for any remaining passengers.

Prior to executing the unthinkable task of ditching his aircraft into the Hudson River, he matter-of-factly instructed his 155 passengers to "brace for impact." Let's hope that the impact of Captain Sullenberger reverberates for a long time, as his story inspire us to ponder the value of complete dedication to one's calling.

dig deep

We each live our lives at a certain general level of depth. It's entirely possible to go through an entire lifetime operating on automatic pilot, just as it's possible to be so sensitive, so reactive, so introspective that life becomes unbearable.

Last night, at the end of a long, eventful day and week, I found myself wondering if I was satisfied with my level of living. Was I living too much on the surface, just facing each crisis as it occurred, and not daring to go beyond that? Was I ignoring parenting issues that exist due to the absence of another parent? Was I doing a good enough job of taking care of myself? Was I making flawed decisions?

I had just watched Desperate Housewives on TV. It was a particularly moving episode, to me at least, featuring the significance of the handyman on Wisteria Lane. I bawled my eyes out, wishing desperately for such a handyman in my own life. He wasn't a "handyman", he was a "handy man", one who happened to be there at the times when each housewife needed a soft place to fall.

I rarely feel sorry for myself about being alone, but that TV show awakened memories of times in the past when I've experienced the phenomenon of having people around me to help out with life's hurdles. Usually it's my long lost mother I think of wistfully, but last night I remembered the various guys who visited my life, each helping in his own way. One built me a garage; one helped me through the trauma of losing my grandmother; one showed up at my door when I found out about my mother's pancreatic cancer diagnosis; one loaned me a very expensive piece of equipment for me to use at work.

In that frame of mind, I began asking myself if I really wanted to be alone, and if my life was really on the path I had intended. Am I in the right field of work? Are my parenting policies sound, and am I adhering to them? Am I just going through the motions of executing each day's tasks, unaware of my life's purpose and desires?

I come from a family which operated totally on that level. Questioning or deep thinking were simply not on the agenda. Not ever. I rarely see any of my family members these days because they live hundreds of miles away, but when I do, I marvel, unsure of whether the surface-level lifestyle is good or bad.

My father, for example, has his daily routine, which is never broken as far as I can tell. Tending his wife's many cats seems to be the focus of his life (and hers). They are retired, and everything is either about the cats or any impending doctor's or dentist's appointments. For social interaction they go to church and Bible study. Each night they watch TV, commenting loudly while watching, eating butter brickle ice cream.

When I visit (they won't visit me) I usually inadvertently stir up some type of trouble with my intensity. (I have been kicked out of their house more than once.) I tend to want to analyze things, face the past, and discuss any unresolved issues.

But now that I think about it, the past couple of times I visited, I had changed. I had dropped my former ways, and just hung out, trying to be like them. I can do that for brief periods.

Over the past couple of years, though, I think I've become generally more "automatic pilot" than I used to be, even when I'm not visiting them. Oh, I still react to things now and then, but it's not the same.

That change may seem positive, but as I've said, I question whether I'm missing the boat. Always the extremist, I swing dramatically one way or the other. I either spend every waking moment analyzing every thought that comes into my head, or I ignore all of it.

And I'm not sure which is preferable.

location, location, location......

During warm weather I like to sit outside, feeding the birds, squirrels and chipmunks while I read. At this time of year I still try to attract birds and squirrels with seeds and peanuts, but viewing them through a window isn't quite the same. I'm addicted, though- I can't go through a day without seeing if I can draw wildlife onto my property. I wish I had a huge picture window to make the view more accessible, and if I thought I'd spend many years in this house, I'd be thinking about saving money to make that change.

But......I have a few complaints about my current house. Even though I have stopped talking about moving and have accepted staying here for the time being, I still don't feel as if I've found the place I'm supposed to be. (I know there are books written on this topic- "home" is an inside job, etc., but I am talking about a more superficial "home".)

Things are changing here. There used to be a vibrant senior rec center next to my house, and I had gotten to know many of its members. Last October the city tore down that rec center, and of course, that changed everything. Now I live at the end of a dead end street (the senior center had been placed at the end).

The energy has diminished- now, only an occasional dog owner drives to the end of the street to release his/her dogs into the park outside of my house. The lack of leash laws in this city has been a source of much controversy, and I have given up fighting. The dog owners clearly believe that their dogs' freedom is more important than the safety of other dogs and people in this city park. Three years ago, my dog was killed in this park by another dog, and my son was bitten by an offleash dog. An elderly man with whom I had shared many conversations used to walk in the park regularly, and one day he was terrified out of his wits by a dog attack which I witnessed through my window. He never returned.

Another change- my next door neighbor is dying of bone cancer. He has been a true neighbor to me, in the old-fashioned sense. He and his wife have cared about my well-being. Formerly a man so energetic that I had to wonder if he had ADD, the cancer has rendered him suddenly immobile. Unable to walk over to my house, he calls me nearly every day to check in, with a hoarse voice sounding like a ghost's. He usually passes out after a few sentences. I know he's not long for this world. His wife will sell the house and move to their home in Florida.

I understand why feng shui rules dictate that a house should not be located at the end of a dead end street. It's because of the lack of energy flowing around the house. The senior center brought in energy even to this dead end, but now it feels isolated and lonely, which is the last thing I need.

It's great to be so surrounded by nature, though, in the midst of a major U.S. city. I don't have to breathe air pollution when I sit outside or when I jog, because of the park on which my house is situated.

On the downside, it's not a pedestrian part of the city. It's suburban even though it's within city limits. You have to drive everywhere, which I dislike strongly. Everyone says, "Can't you walk in the park?" and of course I can, but that's not what I'm talking about. Until I moved to this city, I got by without a car. I walked or biked everywhere. That's how I grew up- it's in my blood.

The changes that are occurring here are sad ones, and this is certainly a difficult time of year, with ice storms and dangerously frigid temperatures. I rarely allow myself to even think about any dissatisfaction- I'm just lucky that I don't have a foreclosure sign out front.

ice

Living in a sprawled-out city lacking decent mass transit means that ice is a bad thing. Cars were not meant to drive on it, and in this city, each man, woman and child owns 1.4 automobiles. Even the most impoverished among us manage somehow to own cars in this city, because they have to. When I moved here, I had never owned a car. I was told in no uncertain terms that if I didn't buy a car and start driving it, I'd lose my job trying to rely on unreliable public transportation.

I complied, reluctantly. The only ways I can show my defiance are by A) taking the bus to work once in a while, bragging about it widely, and B) owning a car which is as small as possible.

The car looks elongated here, almost like a station wagon, but it's a subcompact- a Honda Civic hatchback. To carry my defiance a step further, I refuse to adhere to society's rule of replacing one's vehicle a minimum of every 6 years. This Honda is 18 years old. (Yay!!!!!) If I must drive, at least I'm going to do it my way.

"Do you feel SAFE in that thing on congested highways!!??," they ask. Well, my answer is this: I've never been in an accident with this car, whereas the average accident rate where I live is one every 7 years for each driver. The Child and I have been 100% safe in this car (against all odds, apparently). And whenever it breaks down, as aging cars will from time to time, it either breaks down in my driveway or within a short walking distance of my house. The last time it broke down, it was within a mile of the shop where I have it worked on, and miraculously, I was able to drive it into the shop on its last breath. (The alternator was kaput.)

Those who know the life story of my car acknowledge that it's magical.

Getting back to the ice, the photo at the top is symbollic of the way I am trying to focus these days. The ice has a downside for those of us who have to get to work come hell or high water, but it also has its magical side, which turns the world outdoors into a fairyland.

However, I have heard stories recently of people I know who have been seriously injured just by walking on ice. One of The Child's babysitters, one who did yoga everyday and appeared to be extremely fit, fell on ice while trying to walk from her car to her house. The result was a disabling hip injury for which she had surgery. She can barely get around now, and yoga is out of the question.

After hearing a shocking number of stories like this, I decided to take action against ice. I searched the internet for solutions and came up with this:


These "Stabilicers" are supposed to be attached to one's shoes to provide safety on ice. I immediately ordered a pair. I guess I'm not as concerned about ice as I think I am, because I've never even tried to attach them to my shoes. But somehow I feel as if I have a grip on the ice problem.

Yet, horror of horrors, I fell on the ice while walking the Chihuahua early one morning a couple of weeks ago. To my surprise, I was not paralized from the waist down. I didn't have to cry out for help or dial 911. I didn't need surgery or a cast on my arm. I walked away from it, unscathed.

I guess it's magic.

starting the new year off right

Happy New Year! And thank you for forgiving me for being a slug-a-blog. The reasons for my recent absence are many, ranging from a radical computer crash to a ridiculous work schedule. And I'm going to be really busy over the next few months. HOWEVER...... I intend to exert Herculean effort to keep this blog afloat. That will be my top new year's resolution.

So I'm starting the new year right with a cup of freshly brewed Starbucks and my blog. As soon as I post this I'll be visiting my neglected blogging buddies, for whom I have a question: are any of you having problems uploading photos? I am, all of a sudden, which is part of the reason I've been missing.

I've always had a weakness for Dear Abby, especially when she publishes one of her repeat profundities, such as these universal new year's resolutions:

• Just for today, I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I won't set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once. I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

• Just for today, I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine.

• Just for today, I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things that I can correct and accept those I can't.

• Just for today, I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires thought and concentration. I won't be a mental loafer.

• Just for today, I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. I'll improve my appearance, speak softly and not interrupt when someone else is talking. Just for today, I'll refrain from improving anybody but myself.

• Just for today, I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. If I'm overweight, I'll eat healthfully -- if just for today. And not only that, I'll get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block.

• Just for today, I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my actions.

Each year I'm impressed with these suggestions as is I've never heard them before. I believe they are based on the 12-step program of Al-Anon.

In today's newspaper Abby added the following from a resident of New Delhi, India:

Dear Abby: This year, no resolutions, only some guidelines. The Holy Vedas say, "Man has subjected himself to thousands of self-inflicted bondages. Wisdom comes to a man who lives according to the true eternal laws of nature."

That's a mouthful, eh? Lately one of my themes with The Child has been that of explaining to him the difference between man-made and universal or natural laws. I'm not sure how this started. It may have been one time when he observed me blatantly driving through a red light. It was very early in the morning, nobody was around, and I was in danger of being late for my obligation. There was absolutely no traffic, so I drove right through a red light, openly defying the laws of man.

The Child issued an alarm from the back seat: "MOTHER!!!! How could you DO that???"

Thus launched the whirlingbetty version of man-made vs. universal laws. I argued that there was no way on earth that I could possibly hurt anyone by cautiously disobeying that traffic signal. (Mind you, I don't make a habit of it. I've done this maybe 4 times in my life.) The only thing that really matters is whether or not I am hurting any living thing or any material object.

Then I explained that I have natural "laws" for myself which don't exist in man's legal system. There's no man-made law against hurting people's feelings with damaging words, yet I choose to set this boundary for myself, and whenever I am living consciously, I follow this law.

I've pointed out that the animals live according to the laws of nature (except in cases where humans intervene). The result? They're happy, content, free of mental and social illness.

The self-inflicted bondages in the above message from New Delhi do not refer to traffic signals, but the more insidious bondages set forth by our egos. We tie ourselves into knots secured by the ego's attempts to control our lives, to control other people, to control outcomes. It's only on those rare occasions when we relax into our natural state that the truth, the truth of nature, sets us free.

Nature intends for all of its creatures to be happy and free, like the birds joyously shirping outside of my window on this frigid winter day as they pluck berries off the trees. My new year's goal is to remember that.

the effect of IJ

One of the difficulties of growing older is the lengthening of your list of important people who have died. Last week my dear friend IJ was added to my list.

IJ was present when The Child was born. Had she not been there, I am sure that things would have gone very differently, seeing as how the midwife attempting to deliver the baby had a surgeon standing by, knives sharpened. IJ functioned as my cheerleader. IJ didn't give a hoot what others thought- she did what she thought best at all times- and being very smart and very intiutive, she was usually right.

"Come ON, Betty, COME ON!!! You can DO it!!!! PUSH!!!!!!! PUSH!!!!!!" It was hard to push, since I had toxemia. I was seriously ill, hadn't eaten for 48 hours, yet I was being asked to perform the physical feat of my lifetime, with no medication, not even a pain killer, because I had signed a statement 9 months earlier stating that I wanted no medication during the birth process, lest I harm my baby.

But thanks to IJ, who somehow infused every last bit of her own inimitable energy into me, the midwife delivered the baby. IJ was victorious.

Her contribution to my blossoming motherhood did not end there. Although IJ had no children of her own, she somehow understood my experience. She understood that new mothers (especially ones who have lost their own mothers) often feel abandoned by the rest of the world.

So IJ and I had a standing date once a week. She drove the considerable distance to my house, tearing up the long winding driveway in her old Toyota with its "Question Authority" bumper sticker. She'd just hang out with me for as many hours as I wanted, providing me with much-needed adult conversation. She was always full of ideas and inspiration. She belonged to the group Simply Living and she loved the idea of living in a self-sustained planned community. She loved people, she loved the earth, and she loved the concept of living in harmony. Looking back, I don't know how I would have made it through that year without her.

I had met IJ in a spiritual group that met at a very open-minded church. I couldn't help noticing the very attractive older lady, IJ, whose insightful comments exposed her extreme intelligence. She always had a huge smile, intended for everyone equally. We started doing lunch together after the meetings.

IJ graduated Summa Cum Laude from college at age 19, having skipped two grades of school, then earned her masters from Northwestern. She had many different jobs, teaching, being an assistant dean at a college, directing YMCA programs and advocating for the oppressed. She was a woman who cared.

While working at a home for the handicapped, she met a young man who had lived an extrememly difficult life, with no loving family. She unofficially (because he was a ward of the state) adopted him as her adult son, and took care of him for the rest of his life, giving him the loving family that she believed every human deserved.

She risked her life to uphold her beliefs. During her young life she lived with a black family in Mississippi, a very bold and dangerous move in those days. She was determined to make a difference, and during her tenure in Mississippi she brought about a change. She was horrified that blacks had been addressed only by their names on postal envelopes, without the title Mr., Mrs. or Miss. (The title was not allowed!) By the time IJ left the state, everyone, regardless of skin color, was addressed by Mr., Mrs. or Miss, thanks to her heroic efforts.

A few years ago, just before her Alzheimer's took over, she boarded a bus at age 80 and rode to Washington, D.C. to protest the war in Iraq. She never complained about the aches and pains associated with endless hours on a bus- only her much younger bus mates did that. IJ was on a mission; therefore she was happy.


I saw the irony of IJ's move into the senior care facility when her Alzheimer's made it impossible for this fiercely independent free-spirit to live on her own any longer. She was finally moving into that group living situation she had always yearned for, although what she had envisioned, of course, was more like a hippy commune.



It was in the Alzheimer's unit that IJ found the romance which had hitherto eluded her. (My theory is that the free spirit had to be tamed a bit before she could"settle down.") She and her beau spent hours happily singing Broadway show tunes. They were ecstatically inseparable, that is until Alzheimer's eventually separated them.


Now IJ's spirit is truly free.

black friday

Shopping is never my thing. Black Friday is about as appealing as poison ivy to me. I would happily stay out of the stores on a day like Black Friday- or on any other day, for that matter. I'm even reluctant to shop online, but shopping in brick and mortar establishments often brings on something like a panic attack.

But somehow I ended up with The Child, a.k.a. Material Man, in my life. He loves shopping and he didn't learn it from me. This budding shopaholic somehow assumed that I'd be willing to arise early enough this morning to enter the nearest Wal-Mart by 4am.

Fortunately, his alarm must not have gone off this morning, and we didn't leave for the nearest mall until 9am. He griped about having surely missed the best bargains, and I assured him that considering the economy, there'd be plenty left.

He found the laptop of his dreams priced at a $300 discount. I said it would have to be his one and only gift for Christmas and his birthday (I'm talking about for the year 2008 and every subsequent year until the end of time), for his high school and college graduations, and for his wedding. (It's expensive.) He agreed. I said we'll put it in writing when we get home. Then I plopped down an extra $100 for the Geek Squad to show up at my house tomorrow to set up said laptop.

Upon arriving home, I wondered what kind of power The Child has over me to get me to do things so against my nature. Well, maybe Black Friday isn't so bad.....plenty of people seem to throw themselves into it with gusto.....

Then I read on the internet that a young man employed by a Wal-Mart on Long Island was trampled by an unruly crowd this very morning, in a Black Friday frenzy, and he died. I no longer take it lightly. Never again will I contribute to or participate in this sort of madness.

changes

OK- it seems that I have not yet learned to effectively photograph snow falling. But that's what this is: snow falling- a far cry from this:

which I photographed a mere couple of weeks ago. Many of the roses were still in bloom! Wow- what a colorful autumn it was.

Last week I had to buy a new furnace. I learned a thing or two: furnaces are really, really expensive; they're complicated to install; they smell ghastly when turned on for the first time (no pun intended, but it works); if you want one right away, you'd better have connections. (My "connection" was my realtor, who has bailed me out of several situations.)

A major change has occurred in the setting of my house. The house is on a public park, and there was a city-owned building, used until a few months ago as a recreation center for seniors, which was situated kind of right next to my house:

This is what the building looked like through a window from inside of my house:
This happened:
And this is the result:

The view from my house is now this:

So the view is better. What is not better is the quality of life of all the local senior citizens who fought mightily against the demolition of their building. The city moved their activities to a room in the middle of a large rec center serving all ages. It's not the same, the seniors bemoan, and it sure doesn't have as good a view as their old center which was perched at the end of the huge public rose garden.

Then there's The Child.
He's owned a high quality laptop from a very early age. He has always loved technology and has been fascinated by the latest electronics. That's been clear for a long time.

Like many boys, he can't stand school. I have bent over backwards trying to figure out what to do about that. Being convinced that he despises reading, writing and arithmetic, I sought to discover his REAL interests so that at least I could offer him extra opportunities which would be meaningful to him.


Computers were always a major interest, so last summer I signed him up for computer camp in another city. He enjoyed it, but came home saying what he REALLY wanted to do was learn to program using C++.


Long story short: I FINALLY found a grad student computer geek willing to take on The Child. Finally victorious, I ran to tell The Child that I had set up his first computer lesson for later this week- all he had to bring was his Macbook, and this was his response:

"I'm NOT going!!!!"

"WHAT???? This is all you've talked about for months! Yopu knew I was moving heaven and earth to find a programming tutor for you!"

"NO!!!!!! I WON'T GO!!!!"

Hours later, after extensive prodding, pleading and manipulation, I finally asked the right question (I don't even remember what it was) and the response was:

"I want to program on a PC! C++ is for PC!!! I don't WANT to take my Mac! I've already taught myself Apple Script and I'm over it!"

Dumbfounded, I remembered the Apple Script book I had bought him after camp. Apparently he used it. But a PC? The Child had always been one of those arrogant Mac loyalists, constantly looking down upon PCs, constantly making fun of mine:I never thought I'd see the day, but it appears that another Mac user has converted! I guess the only thing we can count on is change....

Mentor Ted

Just before The Child came into my life, I had a mentor named Ted. He was the Father I Never Had. He was introduced to me by my friend K who said his advice had changed- no, actually saved- her life. I could see that she had placed him on a pedestal. I was fascinated.

I wondered if I too could win over Ted. Would he even bid me the time of day? He was a "rock star," so to speak. My friend K was the type of woman who easily attracted men. She was born to attract men. Ted was not a romantic interest for either of us, though- he was a mentor, a Father. He was a motivational speaker- that's how K discovered him.

When I first called him and introduced myself, he reacted exactly the way I wanted him to. He took me under his wing. I became an instant daughter. He invited me to call him daily. He lived in LA. I ran up huge phone bills talking to him, but it was worth it. He told me how to live my life. He gave me a solution to every problem. He began a process which should have occurred during my childhood: the growth of my self-esteem.

Clearly, Ted liked me. He was very impressed with what I do for a living and with the fact that I was extremely independent and good at handling my finances and other affairs. I thrived on Ted's approval and appreciation. My own father had never voiced the approval that I was now receiving from Ted. My own father had never spoken to me with the affection that I now heard in Ted's voice.

On a daily basis, he helped me examine the way I was living my life. He gave me logical solutions to whatever problems cropped up at work or in personal relationships. He taught me about boundaries- a hitherto unknown concept for me. He taught me how to serve others while still being true to myself. He taught me to be reasonable. He always said that he tried to teach people to "live comfortably with unresolved problems." In other words, he taught people how to live in peace, despite whatever issues presented themselves.

Probably the most valuable gift he gave me was a kind, loving, yet honest reality check on my biological family, my place in it, and the limitation on what I could expect from it. He taught me how to "clean up my side of the street" and leave it at that. He taught me how to make meaningful amends without selling out. He taught me an unbelievably powerful method of making amends to a person who has died, and I have passed this technique on to many other people who have also used it successfully. Ted was the wisest person I have ever met. His advice was sound; in some cases, I didn't find out until years later how sound it was. He never charged a dime for his advice- I only paid the long distance phone charges, which I totally controlled because I was the one calling him.

K and I nearly fainted when we found out that Ted was coming to our city to speak!!! We fought over which one of us would pick him up at the airport. She won because of my work schedule. She was so nervous about meeting Ted face-to-face that she wrecked her car on the way to the airport!

I understood, because I too was a nervous wreck about meeting Ted (although fortunately it didn't show in my driving!). What if he was disappointed by the way I looked?! Surely he had conjured up an image of me in his mind. Would I disappoint him? I donned my best outfit, topped by the leather coat which I rarely wore and spent lots of extra time trying to look my best. My friend K always looked fantastic, like a model- I had to attempt to compete with that standard.

Then, when I was finished with work, I went to the hotel to meet Ted. It was an earth-shaking event. Really, it was like meeting my father for the first time! Ted showed far more enthusiasm for me than my father ever had. And I heaved a silent sigh of relief when Ted whispered, "I just knew you were gorgeous- I could tell over the phone!" Was I ever glad I had spent all that time fussing with my hair.....

You might be thinking that this story is going to take a slimy turn for the worst, but it didn't. Ted remained My Father. In fact, he wanted to meet the guy I had been going out with. When we failed to co-ordinate their schedules, Ted insisted on talking to him on the phone! I listened in on the conversation during which Ted had the guy jump through hoop after hoop, like any caring father would. I was touched that Ted warned him to proceed slowly with me, thinking of me as a deer in the headlights....(My own father never would have done this.)

It never works well to place a human being on a pedestal, as we all know. Humans are fallible. Shortly after his visit to my city, I faced a life-changing decision- the decision of my lifetime. Ted had a very strong opinion about which choice I should make. Although I understood his concerns all too well, I disagreed with him. I stopped calling Ted. He was worried, and started calling me when I stopped calling him. I didn't return his calls.

Nine months later The Child was born.

what's missing

Every one of us experiences that nagging feeling of something being missing in our lives. Sometimes we "know" what it is: a spouse, a house, a certain job, a baby, a week with Super Nanny, more money.......

Actually, it's possible that what's missing is an awareness of the present moment and an appreciation for what is.

But sometimes there are nagging, persistent feelings of discontent. During my younger years I suspected that certain things had occurred during my upbringing which had left me ill-equipped to deal with life in a mature way. Something was wrong with me, I thought, but it was not obvious. It was easily concealed, especially before The Child came into my life- I appeared to have my act together in a big way, with an unusual sense of independence, an admirable career, and even a mortgage from an early age. Who knew that my father had never performed his proper role toward his daughter or that my mother had "abandoned" me by working the night shift?

I have tried therapy and self-help books. What I have learned is this: my childhood, parents, upbringing, traumas both real and imagined actually don't amount to a hill of beans. Certainly things happened which led to my insecurity and floundering sense of self. However, the present is all that matters, and the cure is available in the present. Psychoanalysis and childhood excavation are unnecessary! All we need is the belief in our worthiness. That belief does not require examination of the past. It requires acknowledgement of the present truth.

We each know, deep down, that it's true that we're worthy- it's just that we don't choose to focus on that ultra important fact. Irrationally, we think we'll get a better payoff from throwing thousands of dollars and hours into counselling, anti-depressants, life coaching, seminars or, worse yet, some form of escape.

Why not just accept the truth? Each of us is worthy. Period. Now, believe that, on a deep level, and act accordingly. Treat yourself as worthy with your life choices. Eat as if you're worthy, excercise as if you're worthy, work as if you're worthy, speak as if you're worthy. Magically, you'll find yourself threating others as if they are worthy.

Am I doing this? Hah! The plan is that I'll be starting today (stop snickering), after realizing during my past couple of conversations with friends that I am once again whirling out of control, confused about the direction my life seems to be taking. Rather than attempting to seize control of my life, I have decided to float through my life like a cork on the ocean, fully aware of the present truth (I am worthy) and continually performing the action in front of me.

Right now, for example, living by my new creed, I'll first check to be sure that my bottom line is established: I am worthy, all is well, and while accepting the circumstances of my life as I float like a cork on the ocean, I look to see what's in front of me for my next action. I will publish this post, then spend an hour preparing something for work, then take the Chihuahua out for a walk, then get the house ready for The Child's party tomorrow. I have postponed jogging due to rain, but it appears that things won't dry up anytime soon, so I'll dig out my rain gear and jog in the rain, after drinking the soy milk I have chosen instead of raiding The Child's Trick or Treat candy. It all sounds rather dreary, I know, and may not be sustainable, but I will reward myself tonight by watching my favorite TV show, Wife Swap. I wonder if any wife would want to swap with whirlingbetty?

Indian Summer Election Day

I voted two weeks ago, having been forewarned of the possibility of waiting 4+ hours to vote on election day, so I missed the excitement of being at the polls today. (And seriously, I did miss it!) My phone was sadly silent today too- I guess all the campaign volunteers figured their time had run out. (Or maybe the word got out that I had already voted!)

The weather here is unreal. We're experiencing a true Indian Summer. Two weeks ago we had freezing temperatures, and even hold-outs like me had no choice but to turn on their furnaces, yet today everyone is wearing T-shirts and shorts outdoors- in November! I hope this is a good omen. At least nobody in this part of the country can use bad weather as an excuse not to vote. I hope each and every sound-minded individual votes in this election- it's so much healthier for our country's citizens to be involved- informed and involved.

This multi-colored tree stands but a few feet from my house. These days I really am trying to stay in the present, with appreciation as my goal. That way it's impossible to overlook sights such as this one. And it IS possible to overlook things that I choose to NOT focus on. Some would call that conscious living. I call it a big improvement.

I have come to realize the degree to which my "problems" are of my own making. As an example, I just called my bank in a panic after checking my account online and seeing no evidence of a deposit I made on Monday. The woman from the bank explained that it's bank procedure- nothing has gone wrong- the deposit just won't show until 7 am tomorrow. My panic was pointless- I didn't need that money for any particular reason. I've just fallen into the trap of worrying about money along with the rest of the world! Yet I'm not starving, not in danger of foreclosure- I have a job and everything I need. Why on earth would I choose to panic over money? "Because everyone else is paniced" is not a legitimate answer. The truth is that all is well, here and now.

Happy Election Day!!!! May the best man for our country win (and may Wall Street reflect that!).

The Extreme Gene

Having the Extreme Gene isn't all bad. After all, it was my Extreme Gene that led me to buy a house on the park. The above scene is in my front yard, and I don't have to peform any landscape maintenance.



Last fall I was taking out my trash, and a passer-by commented that on how lucky I was to live here. Well, anyone could have bought my house- its price was average for this city, not expensive. It's just that whirlingbetty possesses the Extreme Gene which caused her to drive by the 20 houses on the park every day until finally one of them went up for sale.



The Extreme Gene isn't all good, either. The interior of the house is either pristine or chaotic at any given time- nothing in the middle. When it's in its pristine state, you can be sure that whirlingbetty has just pulled an all-nighter getting it that way.



The Extreme Gene even marks my expenditures. The Child lives like royalty and owns several state-of-the-art electronic items plus their attendent games. I rarely spend money on myself, and never at full price- second hand, if possible!



Our late Chihuahua was given the run of the house, and it showed. I am still finding "treasures" (like moldy pizza crusts) which he buried 3 years ago. Our current Chihuahua is kept under strict supervision in the house and park. When he is set free in the house, he bounces off the walls like a kid at Christmas.



Dressed in new outfits from Land's End, The Child is driven around in a 17-year-old Honda Civic. The car may be old, but it too has also been treated like royalty. Last spring I sprung for a high-dollar rust removal job.
Now really, does this look like a 17-year-old car? The Extreme Gene explains its presence in my driveway as well as its excellent condition. Last summer when I took The Child to an antique car show, he asked me why I hadn't entered the whirlingbettymobile in the show, as he watched the proud Model-T owners buffing their vehicles.


The Extreme Gene can be exhausting to live with. I'm going to have to take a nap now.

Betty's Big Brother

Yesterday I was presented with an unusual opportunity which I wasn't sure I wanted to accept. My BB (Big Brother) called to say he was in a nearby city, visiting from the west coast.

Mind you, I come from an odd family, a truly dysfunctional one which unraveled completely upon the death of my mother many years ago. My brother and sister were teens while I was a toddler, and they both moved out before I was 7. I hardly knew them, since, even before they left home, they were always "out galavanting" as my parents would say.

To this day, I hardly know my brother and sister. I hadn't seen either of them in years, until last night, that is. After The Child finished school we hit the road to meet up with BB. It was dusk by the time we arrived, and observing the dark silouette of BB, I recalled the time when, at around age 3, I fell backwards down the wooden stairs in my parents' house for fear that BB, who was 6'3" even when I was 3, would chase me down the stairs. I still have the scar on my head.

BB had never met The Child, so the focus was mercifully off of me. The mysterious BB is still scary and unknown. I remembered my mother saying he could never hurt a fly. He does seem almost shy, afraid of offending, yet people have always liked him. Opposite of whirlingbetty, he has always been popular. I had told The Child in the car that he'd probably like his newfound uncle, because everyone else did.

BB seemed oddly youthful. He's very good-looking, and seriously, he appears younger than when I saw him last. His yoga instructor girlfriend could have something to do with that, or it could be because of the pact he made with my sister: when she was diagnosed with tongue cancer, he said he'd swear off drinking alcohol until she recovered and he could share a drink with her. This was probably the first time I've ever seen him sober.

The visit was necessarily short: The Child had school the next morning, and I'm going back to work this week. BB doesn't talk much when he's sober, but in the restaurant he did express concern that the corn chowder I ordered wasn't enough to sustain me. (I wonder how he thinks I get by when he's not around.)

I observed BB whenever I could steal a furtive glance. His big blue eyes and wavy hair look much like The Child's. He looks peaceful, content and settled. His latest girlfriend suits him well. He looked as if he had his act together for the first time ever. I wish my mother and grandmother who had so adored him could have seen him last night.

When we first arrived to meet BB I had been nervously babbling about needing a flashlight in my car. I was just trying to create distraction, and I quickly forgot all about it. But after we left the restaurant, BB walked into the nextdoor Rite Aid and bought me 4 flashlights and a package of batteries.

With tears clouding my eyes on the long drive home, The Child asleep in the back seat, I wondered what BB had thought of me.

scenes from an October day

I'm always looking for parallels. There must be a way in which this time of year reflects the phase my life is in. But October as I witness it today does not resemble the concept of October in my mind. That's OK- I don't seem to have a grasp on what phase my life is in anyway.

Until I bought a house on the rose garden, I never thought of October as being a month during which to view roses. October used to conjure up notions of falling leaves, bonfires, skeletons dancing in the cemeteries and witches gathered around their cauldrons. Of course, I did grow up in part of the country where temperatures dipped earlier in autumn.

These roses don't look to me as if they're on their last legs.

Nope, this isn't what I think of as October. I admit, though, that I am enjoying the nippier nighttime temperaures. Some here have actually used their furnaces already. Not I. I'll hold off until I can see my breath.

blackout

The weekend started out like any other, except that The Child had started a new project: flute playing. He shows much promise.


After a lengthy flute session we headed to the downtown neighborhood I want to live in, where a street festival called Via Colori was underway. Local artists (or wannabes) create chalk pictures in the street, in the style of an old Italian custom (or Mary Poppins).

I liked these colors.

No comment!

Then, all of a sudden, the wind started blowing like never before. It was Hurricane Ike showing us how powerful it was even though this is not hurricane territory. The city went black. This photo was taken inside my house that night- the first night of MANY without power.

Outside in the park the next morning, sights like this explained the power outage.

Thankfully, the weather was spectacular, and The Child and The Chihuahua tried to make the most of the daylight hours. No school for many days- Hurrah!

FINALLY, more than a week later, the saviors arrive en masse.

Here are a few of the heroes who restored our long-lost power.

Second Guessing

It's something I'm good at, I'm told. Quite frankly, I never really understood what it meant. I mean, everything is a guess, right? Each decision or choice is a guess- hopefully a best guess. So the second guess is the act of changing one's mind, right? Big deal. I always considered that to be a sign of open-mindedness, which is a good thing, right?

Now I'm not so sure.

The above sentence was a prime example of second guessing. Now I know this. While I was typing the sentence, I was not aware that it was "second guessing." I do it constantly, as habit.

Second guessing indicates lack of self-confidence rather than open-mindedness. As I attempt to strengthen my sense of self, it is necessary for me to break the habit of second guessing.

I am beginning to realize that second guessing is a precious waste of time and energy, and it creates negativity. Furthermore, in my case it is an act of selling out, of disregarding the self and its boundaries.

As a recent example, I have been busy preparing for a trip to the Pacific Northwest to apply for a job. I have a lot to do to prepare. My phone rings, I waffle about answering, I decide it might be The Child's school calling with a dire emergency, so I answer. It's no emergency- when was the last time a phone call was an emergency?- it was a Pest wanting me to go to dinner, and I said no, I am very busy, I can't make any frivolous plans over the next 3 weeks, and the Pest went on to say that a good steak dinner was probably exactly what I need to get the job, and I said, hmmm, maybe you're right, even though I don't eat meat, I'll have to see how The Child feels about me going out on a pseudo date- I'll get back to you after consulting with The Child......

See how easy it is for me to be talked out of my original decision, or boundary in this case? The Pest exerted very little effort to inspire my turnabout.

In retrospect, I see that it would have behooved me to stick to my guns. The Child is already feeling abandoned because I've been so intense about my job search. The truth is, I want The World to leave me alone for the next 3 weeks. Now I'm stuck with the burden of talking my way out of the steak dinner.

I am second guessing the travel plans I've made. There were many factors to consider, and I did the best I could. I have reserved the flight and hotel, and now I am busying myself with second guessing. Why did I choose such a late flight? What are my odds of being mugged when arriving at a strange city at midnight? How will I get to the hotel from the airport at that hour? The mass transit only runs until midnight...... What if the hotel sucks? Should I have shelled out $150 extra for the hotel I know to be acceptable?

OK, I'll stop. Now that I have some awareness of the omnipresence of second guessing in my life, I can watch for it and stop it.

Although, come to think of it, doesn't that mean I'll become arrogant and closed-minded?